It Can't Always Be Sunshine and Rainbows and Lady Bugs

I'm angry. Angry? Is that too strong of a word? See there I go - typing to get out the things that are irking me, and I still have to try to switch it around to make it more positive. Well screw that, I'm going to try to vent! Writing is the only way I can get it out, and dammit that is what I will do!

• I am mad that I had such a bad run last night. I'd probably be perkier today had I not quit early on my run. I should have stretched. I don't know what I was thinking. My head just wasn't in it last night but I tried to make my body cooperate. Stupid plan. But (being Little Miss Optimistic, I'll do better on Thursday's run!)
• I'm mad that I have wasted so much of my life putting up with total nonsense from total douche bags.
• I'm mad at myself that having wasted so much of my precious time, I find myself getting older and having to accept the fact that having my one child is pretty much not a possibility anymore.  Right now, that pretty much pisses me off. People out there have kids that don't want them or don't appreciate them. And then there are the ones that want one, but we don't get a chance.
• I am mad that I have been brainwashed into believing I am too fat. I mean I am seething mad!
• I am mad that I felt hungry enough to eat a morning snack of crackers and peanut butter. If I wasn't "too fat" I'd probably be able to cure hunger pains without hating myself after.
• I am mad that I am too nice. I get taken advantage of. I'm a helper. I like to help. It is a family trait. I'm still waiting for karma to come back and reward me for the times I have helped out when I really shouldn't have.
• I am mad that I was told not to eat or I would "pack on the pounds".
• I am mad that I was told I was "not allowed" to weigh over 140 pounds .... or "we'd have to have a talk".
• I am mad that I have been told to my face that parts of my body are gross and unattractive. Why is it that Cindy Crawford can have a beauty mark and it is sexy, but if I have one it is gross and should be removed?
• I am mad that when I was told my face needs help and my boobs need to get bigger that I didn't stand up for myself more and just get up and leave. There I sat getting picked apart, but not wanting to be rude to the offender I just sat and took it. Again - I am too nice.
• I am mad that now, every time I look in the mirror, I see a girl that is too fat with an ugly face. I can't help the way my genetics were handed down to me. I didn't think I was that horrible to look at, but at least now I know.
• I am mad at myself for all those times I didn't just speak up. I HATE confrontation and would rather avoid it at all costs than just address a situation. 
• I am mad because I wasn't defended. I was torn apart for hours. That should have never happened. Neither person should have been participating. I am mad at myself for not putting a stop to it. I AM mad at myself for being friendly the next day after hearing all the gossip about myself.
• I am mad that someone finally had the opportunity to really stand up for me and prove that I mattered.... and then they didn't do it.
• I am mad that conversations about me happened amongst "friends". Conversations of a negative tone - negative in the most superficial way possible, too! Yet nobody would clue me in. I was the naive person. I am mad that I had to learn where I ranked by reading it on-line. I am mad that I didn't just end it then. I am really mad that I am sad at the fact that I feel used and like the big joke of people. I shouldn't care.

 

I am glad I can just write and get it out. I see a pattern here. To an outsider not knowing who I am writing about, it could seem like it is just one person. Sadly, it is not. It is many people. I just seem to willingly let people walk over me and tear me down. I am mad at myself for allowing it to happen over and over. I AM glad for things, too. ..... That will be the next post!