Monday, June 21, 2010

My Sick Relationship With the F Word

I should really banish "food" as one of the labels for my blogs. I hate food. I hate eating it. I hate smelling it. I like cooking it. I sometimes like smelling it. I hate hearing it in other people's mouths. I hate seeing it going into other people's mouths. I hate seeing it get scooped in greedy heaps onto plates at potlucks and buffets. Nearly everything about food grosses me out. The way it hardens onto a plate. The way it gets mold of different varieties when you forget about it in your refrigerator. The textures. The appearance. The nutrition labels. The ingredients.

Why am I not skinny?? For someone that hates food so much, I should be anorexic. I have amazing will power, but apparently not that amazing. 

I spent the weekend watching people gorge on free food. I am mortified that on the second day I actually did have some of the free food. And I liked it. Ugh. I still want to vomit.

The first day I hid behind my sunglasses in disgust, watching as everyone around me held onto a little black plate covered with a variety of pizza slices. They were eating as if they have never had food before. The people cooking the pizza and disgusting donuts were pimping it out as if they were working on commission and wanted everybody to eat a full pizza on their own.
Everybody around me, shoveling the food into their mouths, was happy.

And there I was. Completely disgusted. The thought of even getting a piece of pizza was mortifying. Having people see me holding a plate that had food on it was just too difficult to imagine. They'd see me eat. They'd then think "oh look, surprise surprise the fat girl is eating again."  I never judged them as being "the fat people eating the food" -- and trust me, there were some hefty guys there. But I just "knew" they would all judge me and laugh at my weakness of eating in public.

So I just didn't eat. It took a ton of rum to get me to relax enough to eat a simple slice of cheese pizza on day two. 

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And this is my life. All the time. I feel shamed when I buy food at the grocery store. I refuse to eat in public places like the county fair or a summer concert. I never participate in potlucks. I only nibble on a few small things at a tailgate party. I avoid dates that revolve around food - i.e. dinner and a movie. 

I wonder if I'll ever be like everybody else. 29 years of being unable to have a normal, healthy relationship with food is, well ... it is tiring!

2 comments:

  1. I had no idea you were so tortured. I do identify with the horror of people judging me for what's in my shopping cart - but I think this is because I totally judge moms with carts full of processed foods so I suspect other people do the same. Perhaps we both need cognitive therapy. You sit in a room in the middle of all your friends and we tell you how great you are while you eat. Hmmm.

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  2. You'd think with all my food posts and pizza pictures that I'd love it, right?!? I'm bizarre! ;-)

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