To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.
-Steve Prefontaine
Make it simple, but significant.
- Don Draper

Friday, November 4, 2011

Memories of Birthdays Past

In honor of this day when Kathy Griffin, Ralph Macchio, Jeff Probst, Puff Daddy and I all party together and celebrate ourselves, I've compiled little snippets of memories that jump out from past birthday parties. If you are a girl that survived life beyond the age of 13, then you probably have those love 'em/hate 'em birthday party memories, too!

November 4, 1978: I remember trying to come into the world. My mom was putting it off until after midnight so her hospital bill would be lower. I complied and waited until 4am. I was eager to come out and didn't care that the cord was wrapped around my neck. I remember Dr. Louie telling my young mommy to NOT push. She pushed. I entered the world with a gash in my forehead. Thanks, mom. Then my aunt saw me and promptly puked. See?? It's a family thing!
I LOVE the Pig!

Why did I have to stick my tongue out??
We had a pizza party one year. After the food we were heading back to grandma's house and piled into my aunt's van. It was huge, only those diamond shaped windows in the back. A bed. Carpet. A fridge. Dude - what a party van! Someone opened the door unexpectedly. My friend fell out and smashed her arm. Naturally we didn't go to the hospital. She survived.

One story is too mean. I won't write it. I wasn't the mean one though.

I was a French Maid one year -- having my birthday so close to Halloween we'd often combine holidays and have costume parties, sometimes even trick or treating during my party! Anyway, people thought I was a stripper. (Come to think of it all throughout grade school until I was Super Mario they always thought I was a stripper. I wasn't. I swear.)

I'm the non-stripper in the center. My mommy is Strawberry Shortcake.
That baby by her - he now has a 5 year old child.
Slumber parties were not good. I had two. After the first we said we'd never do it again. (When I say "we" I mean my mom and I, by the way.) Someone always ends up in tears. That someone is always ME! WHY?? Ugh. Bitches. It was the 2nd slumber party that we discovered the beauty of the Bloodbath at the House of Death and someone stepped on my sleeping cousin. He never even knew.

In 7th grade, for my birthday I completed my NKOTB doll collection and was made fun of for it. Suck it. They are STILL awesome and I STILL have my dolls!

In college I was surprised with a birthday cake and a VHS tape of Now and Then. Seriously, am I that old that I was getting VHS movies in college? My cake had Mickey Mouse flying an airplane on it. Little did we know that same year I'd be applying and getting accepted for my first Disney internship!

Ooh, my 19th birthday was a character breakfast in the Magic Kingdom. We had just done our school photo in front of the castle that morning. The food was yummy. I got a cupcake and a card signed by the 100 Acre Wood gang. Let's find a picture for that day. I was so tiny and my costume was gigantic on me that day! Still my favorite costume I ever wore in Disney World.

My 21-er was actually uneventful. I went out with the frat boys for my very first Thirsty Thursday. I had my first taste of tequila. I discovered Sex on the Beach. I did NOT get drunk. My goal was to not get trashed so I'd be able to remember the night! (Okay, by this point I was already pounding Long Island Iced Teas, so I had built up a pretty good tolerance.)

In Florida I had birthday parties at Jellyrolls, Margaritaville and the Hard Rock Cafe. And I was the very first person at Jellyrolls to have to do the My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean game on stage. I kicked ass and didn't  mess up a single time!

My 29th birthday party was in Phoenix. We went gay bar hopping. I turned 29 in the parking lot of a gay leather bar. The entire moment is caught on film. (NOT VHS this time. Phew!) It was a seriously fun night. I didn't want it to end. There was a lot of dancing. I may have fake made out with my BFF (the gay one) and I may have made out with another boy. I do not speak of this. Whoa, you all - let's keep this a secret. Mmkay? I rocked the dance floor. I spilled fries all over my friends car on the way home. I puked in a restaurant the next day. Good times!

On my 30th birthday Obama was elected as our president. The morning wasn't so celebratory, patriotic, happy, whatever. I came to work and my friend warned me before I even went around the corner. My desk was covered. I ripped everything off and threw it away. I stormed out of the building, bad words and all. The breakdown had begun. I ended up in my boss' office crying. How am I 30, divorced, single, no prospect for a child and well educated on the process of artificial insemination? She was going to let me go home for a mental holiday. I toughed it out and went out after for margaritas and nachos. 

I can't even remember 31. Damn.

32 was the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!! I can't see how it will ever be topped! I got up at dark. It was raining. I ran one mile through Disney's Pop Century Resort enjoying every single step. Then my friends and I went to a character breakfast at Cape May over at the Yacht & Beach Club. My Florida BFF was there, too. He gave me not one but TWO totes!!! And one of them was from West Point with his graduating year on it. I love that thing. Goofy and friends gave me a cupcake and sang to me. OOH and Jessica got me a Hannibal Lecter t-shirt!! After that we spent our day at Epcot, drinking around the world and sampling food from the Food & Wine Festival. My dearest girl friend that lives there joined us, and we got tipsy off of margaritas from that tequila bar in Mexico. It was seriously so much fun. My face hurt at the end of the day from smiling so much!

33? Well, we'll see. An early morning run? Swim class. Work. And then dinner at my after work Thirsty Thursday hang out. My only wish for my birthday is to see my mommy. I haven't seen her on my birthday in years. We have dinner reservations where my local BFF tends bar, but I just learned he is off - I'm trying to get him to come join us for food now. As per usual I'll be talking to my mom at 4am and forcing her to tell me about my birth, a la City Slickers. And later I'll make my Florida BFF (I told you, I have multiple - like 4 in 3 different states!) sing Happy Birthday to me over the phone. Oh heck, I might even get some Shred on - work off that pasta I'll be having for dinner!


  1. Happy birthday!!!!!!!! You'd fit perfectly in line with my two gym buddies. You turn 33 this week, Emily turns 34 next week, then Ashley turns 35 the next week, and then I turn 36 the last week. We're all in November and all a week and a year apart!

  2. Happy Birthday to you!!! :)

  3. Happy Birthday!!! Have a wonderufl day!

  4. We had that exact same shag carpet in my house!!

    Happy birthday sweetie - I hope it's a good one :)

  5. Happy birthday!!!! :D Enjoy your day

  6. Many happy birthday wishes to you xx

  7. happy birthday!!!!
    bonne Fete!

  8. Happy Birthday! I bet it will be an awesome day.

  9. Happy Birthday! Wishing you all the best! How cool and fun to have your birthday so close to Halloween! :)

  10. Happy Birthday! Hope you had a great day!!

  11. Love this "looking back at your birthdays" thing you have. Totally gonna copy your idea.... :) Haha!!!

  12. Happy Happy Birthday!! Love the look back at your birthdays!! Hope you had a fabulous birthday!


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