To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.
-Steve Prefontaine
Make it simple, but significant.
- Don Draper

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The Post Where I Vent

I think I need to vent.
I'm in a funk. It is stupid and I should put on my blinders, turn off ego, feelings and emotion and just get over it.

I'm in week 2 of "new" training. My body this week isn't cooperating as much as I would like - due to falling on my face. I'm sure I sound like a weenie. But to never be one to fall, and then suddenly do it and not even catch yourself with anything but your chin and shoulder? Yeah, I'm feeling pretty beat up. I couldn't run Monday because every step was a stabbing pain to my left hip and left knee. It was discouraging to start out the new running week that way. I pretty much felt like a total loser.

But I guess feeling like a loser is making me want to go outside and run even more.

There's a vibe at work these days. It isn't a good one. I can't even put my fingers on it. People seem cranky and I'm just trying to lay low. I feel like I keep f*$#ing up on everything and I can't keep up with all that I have to do. It happens at this same time every year, but this year it is really frazzling me. I get frazzled, which then makes me want to either go home and curl in a ball and cry or go home and go for a run. I guess it is good that I feel like running is becoming more of a thing I do for myself and my mental state than what I do just to prepare for an upcoming race.

There's another vibe at work. It feels like the "Hey R0nda, you suck and we're going to tell you" vibe. One time a delivery guy - in 2009 when I was just starting to run - and for me starting something is scary and you need a lot of support - told me that I don't run fast enough. He said I won't be a real runner until I do 8 minute miles. What a thing to hear when you've been running for 2.5 weeks, right? The week I flew to Florida to tackle the 5K and back to back half marathons a co-worker proceeded to insult me and say it was no big deal because I don't do marathons. (Because that is what you need to hear during pre-race jitters!) I'll just ignore the fact that I could out run him any day of the week... backwards. I know conversations happen about me behind my back these days. Heaven forbid I not be part of a scandal for too long. *sigh* And in some of these conversations that have happened behind my back I know that at least one person is expecting and just waiting for me to fail. What a support system, right?? In my running life and circle of friends -- that would be all of you -- I just like to be optimistic and supportive. We all have ups and downs and I'd rather help cheer you up during your moments of feeling down than revel in it. There's never been a single time where I hoped for any of you to fail. I never predict failure or collapse. I want to see everybody do the very best they can. And now I'm here in this bizarre little world where I have an in-person support staff/cheering section of one. One person that wants to see me succeed. Then I naturally can't help but wonder if I'm just a complete joke to everyone else.

I know I'm not skinny. I know I'm not fast. I know I'm not a "real" runner according to faster people or those that are anti-skirt. But dammit, I try! I throw up during races and I keep going. I fall on my face and I get up, dust it off and finish my run. Without warning I get severe vertigo and feel disoriented, but I never give up or quit. I've never had a DNS. I've never had a DNF. I might not ever be fast. I'll never lose my curvy frame. I won't be part of the "in" crowd around here --- and you know what? I want to keep it that way!

I don't know about you - but dang it, I need a bloggy meet up! Cilley Girl - February 18th can't get here fast enough. I'm so ready for some positive girl on girl energy with one of my favorite people!

12 comments:

  1. Girl! Of course you are a real runner. Who gets to arbitrarily define that for you? No one but you!

    Save some of that girl on girl action for St. Patrick's Day, okay? Looking forward to seeing you.

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  2. RR, don't worry about it! Who cares what other people think. People who are spouting off about 8 minute miles... are they the ones winning the race? No! Who cares what other people think!
    I do know how you feel though... my big boss asked how I did at the Miami half at our staff meeting on Monday and all I said was "Oh I was slow" and he said "Well I bet that is better than what the rest of us did on Sunday".
    Just be proud of what you have accomplished. You have the courage to do something most people only dream of doing!

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  3. If you run you are a runner, plain and simple. You're doing great and should be so proud of all you've accomplished!

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  4. RR! I am going to smack your head.

    You are a RUNNER!
    Doing back-to-back races over a weekend, racing erm.. how many races? You ARE a runner.
    Those other people are just sore losers/sour grapes eaters! They seriously need to start running so they will become happier, positive people like US runners. :)

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  5. People are so dumb. . especially non-runners (yes. I said it. Get over it). Shame on you for letting someone who's doesn't even try make you feel like that! You rock, girlfriend. Just remember that feeling you had as you crossed the 2nd finish line of the weekend and forget them. They'll never understand that feeling.

    It does suck that sometimes only other runners "get" it, so surround yourself with runners (the good ones. Not the elitist snob ones).

    I get being in a funk. I am, too. I just cant shake it. . maybe it's something in the air?

    Feel better :-)

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  6. Pfft! People who say those hurtful things are just making up for their own insecurities. They are just jealous becasue they cannot get off the couch!

    Keep going, it is people like you - those who not only run, but have fun doing it - are the ones who made me realise that I wanted to be a runner too! Please never change and continue to post your wonderfully fun and positive blog.

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  7. Screw other people!

    Don't let them rain on your parade - have your parade int he rain! You are awesome.

    Oh and Kim.....not sure about the girl on girl action at St. Patricks day - there mus be booze involved right? And if so make sure to take photos! LMAO!!!

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  8. Usually when people try to put you down it's their own insecurities not anything to do with you. I just read a post that would be great for you to read on Health On The Run. You are a runner so go run circles around them!

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  9. It has been a crappy week. I'm right there with you. Here is to a better next week!! And yes - you are a real runner!! (And I have to repeat that to myself.)

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  10. I can't believe someone would tell you you aren't running if you aren't doing an 8 minute mile. That's a load of junk. You are lapping the person sitting on the sofa!

    Always so proud of you and what you will endure to keep doing your thing and feel the freedom and charge that comes with victory.

    sidenote: You need to take a run to feed the nutria. :)

    hugs! Looking forward to a bloggy meetup too.

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  11. First, {{{hugs}}}.

    Second,
    "If you run, you are a runner. It doesn't matter how fast or how far. It doesn't matter if today is your first day or if you've been running for twenty years. There is no test to pass, no license to earn, no membership card to get. You just RUN." ~John Bingham

    I get the being in a funk phase. I am feeling the same way lately and I see a lot of other people feeling the same way. Maybe it really is something in the air. The moon phase? The leap year? Who knows! Really all I can say is "Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay; then it's not the end." Don't let what other people say get you down. You are stronger than that. Others only put people down to hide their own insecurities and issues. Hold your head up high and be proud of yourself. You are amazing!

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  12. I must say....if you are not a runner, both with your build/body type, I cringe to think about what people must think of *me* - 100 lbs. overweight and who might perhaps manage to eke out a 12-minute mile right now but would most likely regret it.

    That being said, I have, presently and always will refuse to think of myself as anyone other than a runner.

    So yeah, if *I* am a runner, *you* are a runner, forever and ever amen, and don't let any twithead tell you otherwise.

    See you at Shamrock, baybee!!

    ;-)

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Thanks for reading my little blog, your comments rock my compression socks!! ºoº