To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.
-Steve Prefontaine
Make it simple, but significant.
- Don Draper

Friday, March 16, 2012

Crank Up Some Delilah!

Can't imagine life without this man! He's my #1!!
I am totally a little fruit fly! I just adore my gays. When I need a pick me up, they are there. These are the kind of men I like! I think I was born to hang with them and avoid the hetero male population. I'm kind of like a movie - one of those where you find the girl so annoying because she is always with the biggest asshole and you just want her to dump him and be fabulous on her own. It'd be so much cooler if I could be like Kate or Cameron in The Holiday. I think, as gorgeous and perfect as Kate Winslet is, I'd opt to be Cameron Diaz in that movie ... just so I could be the one to smooch on Jude Law. Yum-my!!

As a little "get to know the Fruit Fly" post - and because I'm kind of pissy and want to vent - here's documentation as to why I have no desire to ever be married again. And dating? Blech - you can keep it! *Names have been changed, for my sake, not the sake of the guys. It's my blog after all! ;)

Adam: Biggest mistake of my entire life. I figure everything happens for a reason, so this had to happen to get me where I am today. But fuck. Disaster. And I'm pretty sure he likes dudes - which is why I was able to tolerate him for so many years. (Excuse me while I go vomit now). That loser actually gave me a weight limit. Yeah - 140 is okay, anything more and "we will have to have a talk". Months after he was out of my life I didn't recognize him in a photo - because HE put on so much weight he didn't look like the same person. Karma back at you, Ha!

From 1997 - LOVE this picture!
Victor: Oh he was cute! My mom said "when you marry him sign a pre-nup. Once you marry into the mob they don't let you out!" Glad she had a sense of humor. We totally were never close to getting married, but he did have the softest lips I've ever met. We're still friends. No really, he was HOT!! He's probably to blame for why I am addicted to Jersey Shore.

Josh: Friends know I have been using code name "Josh" for years. Love of my life. I doubt that will ever change. Not one bad thing to say here. Never.

Nick: Boring as hell. Oh my gosh. That wasn't even a relationship. I put a stop to that before it could even be a thought. He was sad. 

Brandon: Couldn't stand him. Total asshole, in the disguise of a complete pansy. A complete dick to me at every single one of my races - buzz kill for sure! The single reason I refuse to use the word "amazing" anymore unless it is in a complete mocking sense. I can't tell you how many times I heard that word over the course of the 24 hours it took for him to slightly get the hint that I was repeatedly, very blatantly dumping him to his face over and over and over. OMG how did I last as long as I did??? And he fucking puked in my car while crying about who knows what. Still pisses me off. Douche bag.

Jordan: Hm, I wonder what could have been... *sigh*

Jasper: Appeared to be charming. And was. Until the true dickish nature came out. Let me quote: "You better not be eating, you'll pack on the pounds." I wish I was lying. Don't build a relationship off of a 10 day drinking binge when on vacation alone, okay? Just trust me!!

Always thought this was a cute photo of us.
Mark: Ripped my heart apart. Flat out told me he'd never love me. Flat out was a jerk to me in front of my friends ... constantly. Disliked me for the following reasons: small boobs, not a stripper, white, drug free. Liked me for the following reasons: free food, free rent, comfy car to ride in on trips. I know how to pick 'em! Since the end of this one I have been the ultimate "jaded about relationships" person.

Dexter: Dude, that guy was a freak!! I mean this wasn't even a relationship, and he told people we were engaged? We hung out at a couple parties. I was still in the divorce process. Nutso!

Rory:  (Where the hell am I coming up with these names??) This one is mixed. He actually proposed. I never answered. I wonder what would have happened?!? We'd have had absolutely beautiful babies. A strange thing that was. I wonder how he is these days. I should ask him. Still talk to this one, too!

Max:  This relationship was so freaking bizarre that really only my gays know about it. And my BFF. And they still give me shit for it - rightly so. It was fun while it lasted. I use relationship loosely. Huh. I was pretty sad at the end of this actually.

Milton:  This one told his mom I was his girlfriend before even clearing that with me. This was the first of two times I had to "fake dump" someone ... "Nick" being the second time.

Jughead:  He only hung out with me ONE time sober. Always had to go to the bar. Always. This wasn't cool with me. Had to put an end to that one. Phew!

I am reaching, trying to end on a good note .... but then I guess if I could I wouldn't always be single by choice, right?!?  For the record, I think there are a couple good ones listed up there ... 

**Does anyone else ever hear Delilah and just want to smack her?? Why is she so nauseating?? Why have I been cranking her up lately in my car at night??

13 comments:

  1. I love this, because I think everyone has a "what was I thinking!?!?" list...and it makes me go back to my own life and laugh a little at some of the most ridiculous "relationships" I've ever had.

    Plus I think it is kind of fun to imagine the wonderful sorts of karma that comes the way of the asshats...like how karma hit your Adam...it always comes for them...but it's rare you actually get to see it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think my whole life so far has been "what was I thinking?!?". Pretty sure I've come out on top by NOT dating any of those guys for any longer than I did!

      Delete
  2. Amazing!!!! ;)

    Hey, did you realize dinner tomorrow will be a celebration of sorts? Oops, I totally typed "shorts" the first time around. Anyhow, we will toast to good riddance and speedy legs :) Oh, and BIG DICKS. Woo hoo!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll toast to that celebration ... and to the big Dick's!

      Delete
  3. I dislike Adam
    I dated one Adam
    weight limit.....yeah I wish he could see me NOW

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I dislike him, too! My whole family disliked him.

      Delete
  4. I know who 2 of them are. . . I'm just stumped on the 3rd one I know of. . .Josh, maybe? ;) But maybe Jordan? We need another race-cation so I can get them straight!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your first J is right. ;)

      Delete
    2. Really?! See? I was paying attention and I think that might explain a lot. haha!

      Delete
  5. Love this.....i have some of those "what was I thinking moments"....more than I would like to remember! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This was the short list, too! ;)

      Delete
  6. I love this entry. I think this is why I love blogs... you realize everyone has the same baggage! And I always have a gay boyfriends. My current one tells me on a daily basis that he's going to leave his boyfriend of over 20 yrs for me (like that's ever going to happen!)

    I guess that the benefit of dating a bunch of douche bags is that you end up really narrowing down what you want (and what you don't want). I'm single and trying to date and I'm figuring out that what I really need is some sweet quiet nerd that likes to go to Disney Parks a fews times a year. Lol!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I left a really long response and it disappeared! Anyway, I loved this entry. :)

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for reading my little blog, your comments rock my compression socks!! ºoº