To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.
-Steve Prefontaine
Make it simple, but significant.
- Don Draper

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

That's Me In The Corner...

... That's me in the spot light, losing my motivation....

mo·ti·va·tion

noun
1.
the act or an instance of motivatingor providing with areason to act in a certain way: I don't understand what hermotivation was for quitting her jobmotive,inspiration, inducement, cause, impetus.
2.
the state or condition of being motivatedWe know that thesestudents have strong motivation to learn.
3.
something that motivatesinducement; incentive: Clearly, thecompany's long-term motivation is profit.


Mom, Nancy, Me
I've lost my running motivation. I'm not exactly sure where it went or why. I should be flipping out excited. In about 45 days I'll be going full Dopey as I do the 5K, Half Marathon and Marathon in Walt Disney World. A favorite place to go play, the home of some of my favorite races, and soon to be the place where I run 3.1 + 13.1 + 26.2 miles. And what am I doing about it? Not a damn thing. I'm training by running half marathons. Woo. I can do that in my sleep. I mean really, I don't train for half marathons anymore, granted my speed isn't increasing either, but I don't even care. *Incidentally, at the last half marathon I ran my fifth fastest time! 

During the day I want to run. I think about how fun it is was and how I wish I could get back that sense of fun. So then I wonder Why? Why isn't it fun. I don't have an answer. This whole post is me just thinking aloud. When I'm actually out running, for the most part, I am enjoying it. I think I'm kind of over the headlamp though. Sometimes it hurts my head. I'm not liking that the cold weather makes me have Meniere's issues when my ears aren't covered. But weather conditions aren't even the issue I don't think.

Nancy and I this past summer
I think the biggest trigger for my downward spiral happened in September. I had just done insane training all summer. I was doing 20 mile runs, finishing when it was 90 degrees outside. I was training harder than I have in my three years of running. The heat was killing me. But I was doing it. And while doing that I got engaged (yay!!!) and started the fun planning things. A big event was buying my wedding dress. I bought it on a Saturday with Jessica and Cilley Girl at my side picking out their bridesmaids dresses. Also in attendance was my mom, quietly giving her input, and my boisterous aunt/godmother.  It was such a memorable day, and one that I am certain I'll never forget. Saturday night I had a lovely dinner with my mom and my aunt at a restaurant we all have loved for years but never get to go to. The car ride home was hysterical. So many moments where we were rendered speechless.  But also a moment that we won't ever forget (and not in a good way).  Tuesday morning I was hysterical (and not in a good way), trying to figure out how to speak and breathe and tell my mom that her sister just committed suicide. Days after we had such a fabulous time together, discussing the fun of Vegas that lies in store, talking about how exciting the future is .... and there I was just lost. I was so upset I didn't realize that I never told my mom how she died. My mom thought it was a heart attack. Driving to my grandpa's house (mom and I work together), I cried the whole way and was mad at her. How could she put us in the position of having to tell Grandpa what she did. Being there when my mom told him was the single worst moment of my entire life. I ended up pretty much sitting on his lap, sobbing with my arms around him. I never want to go through anything like that again. It was horrible.

Last Christmas
That day changed things for me. On Thanksgiving I felt a big hole. The person I was always by and talking with wasn't there. Nobody wanted to discuss the Bravo Housewives. We all did talk about Vegas because of the wedding, but not how Nancy and I talked about it - making a girls trip to see my drag queens and someone like Celine (barf) or Cher (yes!). That hole wasn't just on Thanksgiving though. It's like that Tuesday happened and I zoned out of everything. I spent Tuesday just spacing out staring. I don't even know what I stared at. Staring and crying. (I'm so uplifting!) Wednesday night I was on my way to get Jessica so we could go to Disney World. MF had to drive me because I couldn't be alone. Even in Florida I couldn't be alone. The one time I was I ended up sobbing in bathrooms at Epcot. I guess Disney was a good way to cheer up while grieving though!

My mom (Sinderella), Nancy (Mommie Dearest)
and myself (Malice in Horrorland)
I came home the next week, missing the memorial for Nancy due to being in Florida when it happened. When I got home I had no desire to do anything. To this day my suitcase is still full of things from WDW. I know, don't say anything! ;)  I don't even know if I did any running before the marathon. I just lost my spark when I lost my aunt. And then the marathon happened and I got hurt and had to walk the last 10K. Not the way I planned on doing my first full marathon!  That messed with my head and I was nervous to run again. But I keep trying. BUT when I run I think, and so then I talk things out. Most runs since that September day have been me talking about my aunt and venting about the whole situation. It's rather complicated. I mean I guess it was an event that shouldn't have surprised us, but I was there the days before and witnessed an incident ... and basically I see what was the catalyst, and I just can't find forgiveness in me. I feel like this really important person was taken away and I see what caused it. I am washing my hands of said catalyst. I want the negative out.

I'd say still 2 or 3 nights a week I have the nightmare where I am sobbing in my sleep. I have had loved ones pass away before, but never by their own hand. I didn't know the whole grieving process would be so long and complicated feeling. It's like I go up and down. And in turn I'm just moving on auto pilot getting up, working, coming home, sleeping. I mean look at my blogging .... what blogging? Oh, those few most boring posts ever about pathetic runs? I'm just in an overall funk. I love running so much and I just hope that I can at least get through the funk and get back that drive I used to have. 

I don't know what I just babbled up a storm. I think better writing it out I guess, and so much is going on in this head that I had to write. 

12 comments:

  1. I think you need to come to Portland for some non-running!

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  2. HUGS Lady! I hope that you can find peace in your own time.

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  3. No wonder you have no motivation! Your head and head are elsewhere. I am so sorry to read this news. :(

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    1. Yeah, at least I figured it out

      *Things are better now though! Thank you!

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  4. I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. I teared up reading this post. I've lost my motivation, too, but I don't have a good reason. I hope things get easier for you soon and feel free to send me a message on FB or whatever if you need to rant! *hugs*

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    1. I'm feeling better now. Yay!!! I think writing this whole thing just helped me get it out and the nightmares and crying have stopped. Woohoo!

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  5. I'm so sorry about the void that you have in your life since the loss of Nancy. Hugs to you sweet lady!

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