To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.
-Steve Prefontaine
Make it simple, but significant.
- Don Draper

Thursday, August 27, 2015

The Race That Didn't Happen

March 15, 2015   I was supposed to run my 31st half marathon today. I'm sure those that call themselves runners, or even those that are snarky just because, passed plenty of judgement when realizing I didn't race. So here's how this came to be.... On Black Friday I gave myself the gift of half marathon registrations, one of them being the Inaugural Shamrock Half Marathon in Portland. I was training and feeling really ready for it. Then life happened. I began this process of In Vitro Fertilization The race happened right at the very start of the big stuff I'll be doing to my body. My poor Grandpa had his accident that put him in the hospital for two weeks before he dared to leave me forever. The day before his accident I had a great run that started and ended at his house. I felt awesome! Once the accident happened running did not mean a thing to me. I chose to quickly take care of home things so that I could spend evenings sitting with Grandpa in the hospital. I stand by that. Every minute I had with my favorite person was more important to me than any run ever would be. Since his passing I have only run 2 miles, with a mid-run mental melt down of missing him. My heart is so full of grief that running just doesn't even appear on my radar right now. 

Yesterday I found myself in Portland at the expo getting my shirt and my bib. I had almost convinced myself that I would run. I knew it would be rainy and hard, but I also knew that I could do it. I have done so many races in all terrain and weather, I could totally handle my 5th time on this same course.

At dinner it was officially time for me to try to make my decision. I forgot to grab safety pins for my bib at the expo, something I've never done. Was this a subliminal thing? Multiple times during the day I kept slipping and almost falling down, and had to use my cane to help with my Meniere's Disease balance problems. But I still felt I could suck it up. I had more to think about. Do I feed my ego and show myself that of course I can still do a half marathon (because I know I could have finished that race with no problem), or do I listen to my brain. I am about to have another ultrasound to check the status of my body before I start injections. Do I put my body through something rigorous when I'm supposed to be taking care of it and treating it like I am pregnant? Do I risk another Meniere's attack and vertigo while racing possibly resulting in falling down? (For the record I DID end up using my cane the entire day of the race, so good call there.) Do I risk running and getting sweaty out in a cold, rainy day and then possibly get myself sick at a very key time in my life? Was I thinking of the cost of this race and trying to tell myself I paid so I better run?

My mom was clear she didn't want me to run. My best friend said to listen to my brain, that our egos get us into trouble. Man Friend pointed out that we've financially invested a lot more in IVF than I have on any race! And then there's me. I knew I could do it physically. But mentally I just had no desire. If I'm alone I start missing Grandpa too much. 13.1 wet, hilly miles all alone without any family with me is just not what I can handle right now. So my decision was made. It was a very hard back and forth battle in my mind. I had to do the smart thing and listen to my brain. There are so many races out there, but I don't have so many chances to make Grandpa's great-grandchild.

In the end I woke up in plenty of time to get to the race. I tossed and turned but forced myself back to sleep. Ultimately I woke up when I would have been at the start line. I showered, had some breakfast and left our hotel, seeing runners on their last stretch to the finish line. That was really hard. But I know I made the smart choice. I'm not on earth to impress people that shove their nonsense workouts down our online throats. I run just for myself. Today I had to NOT run for myself and my family!

MARCH 2015
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Official day 1!!!Phone call to OHSU Grandpa :(Prescriptions set!Protocol arrived
to get it started!in the mail
Birth Control PillsGot my protocol
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Prescriptions arrive
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Last birth control pillSuppression checkInjections begin
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Status check #1
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1 comment:

  1. I think I've skipped two races in my running lifetime. The first was the Hot Chocolate race one year because I was too hung over. That's not even a good excuse. ;) And the second was a half marathon and I was injured. I didn't feel the least bit bad about my decisions. Sometimes, it's just not gonna happen, for whatever reason.

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