An Ending Allows A Beginning?

March 6, 2015  This has been the hardest week of my entire life. I just wrote a post about the great love my grandfather had. He really was so perfect. Here I am trying to create a human and I can tell my body isn't being normal as I deal with ultimate heart ache. I have trinkets and photos of my grandpa in key spots in my house (just like he did with Grandma). It makes me happy to see his face, but it also makes me cry. I'm trying very hard to just relax and be a normal functioning human because I am getting very close to the point where I am going to try as hard as I can to create for my grandpa a great grandchild.

Life is a blur. I have no concept of time or when things happened really. I remember the exact minute on March 3rd that my grandpa passed away. It is the ONLY moment in life I am certain of. But there was some point during the two weeks at the hospital that I was alone with my grandpa and about to tell him about my plans to make another baby for him to spoil. A nurse walked in right when I was about to talk. I never did get a chance to tell him. It has made me so sad. I wanted him to know. My mom assures me that he will know, so I have to believe that. For so many years he's wanted me to tell him I was pregnant and now I am hopefully finally close to it, and I never got to tell him.

I've told myself that when one life ends a new one is beginning. Maybe that will mean that I will have success and finally be able to be the mom to the baby I have always planned to name after him. After deep sorrow and endless tears, I had to put on a happy face when not even two hours after I said good bye to my grandpa, my nurse from OHSU called me to go over my protocol.

I finally have my life schedule! I know when birth control pills stop. I have appointments scheduled for ultrasounds and labs. I have general dates of when things will happen after that. It is entirely possible that by mid-April I will know if I finally get to start a 9 month journey of creating a second namesake for my grandpa (me being the first namesake, of course!). That phone call was just what I needed. Like in Steel Magnolias, I had laughter through tears and a reason to look forward to the future instead of just mourning the past.

The pharmacy has called me and my box of meds will be delivered to me next week. I'm kind of nervous about that one. I'll have a sharps container for all the needles and 10 days worth of injections... 4 different types!! Eek!

My boss is all set with things as well. Kind of funny how I used to have a female boss and I would never dream of talking to her about this. And now here I am with a male boss (ooh, he has my Grandpa's name, too!!) and I feel very comfortable sharing all of this with him. He even has things to share with me to give me confidence. We are on the same page as far as keeping this completely hush hush, only letting two people know that I will be in and out with medical appointments. It's all finally happening and getting really exciting. I just wish that I had my grandpa here to share in the excitement with me. I can only imagine the smile on his face once I finally hear the news I want to hear! Heck, I bet he'd even have happy tears with me!

MARCH 2015
Sunday		Monday		Tuesday		Wednesday		Thursday		Friday		Saturday
1		2		3		4		5		6		7
Official day 1!!!		Phone call to OHSU		Grandpa :(		Prescriptions set!
		to get it started!
Birth Control Pills				Got my protocol
8		9		10		11		12		13		14
				Prescriptions arrive
15		16		17		18		19		20		21
				Last birth control pill		Suppression check						Injections begin
22		23		24		25		26		27		28
				Status check #1
29		30		31