To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.
-Steve Prefontaine
Make it simple, but significant.
- Don Draper

Saturday, December 26, 2015

32 Weeks: If You're Whiny and You Know It Clap Your Hands

*clap n- clap*!!

I recall a convo with my BFF during this week where I had to send a text saying "FYI I do know I'm whiny. I'm just so uncomfortable." And that has been my week! Uncomfortable!! And thankfully the BFF and Man Friend are both very understanding and still don't complain or tell me to shut up. I'm very lucky!!

Sleeping is non-existent. I know, I know.... sleep now, you'll never sleep again for the rest of your life. Whatever, I call bullshit on that by the way. If you really can't sleep for 18 years then maybe you didn't do the best parenting and you can't trust your own child. Rant done. But seriously, STFU with that nonsense. Sheesh. Remember some of us deliberately have worked hard to have our baby. Conceiving a child doesn't come easy and natural for everyone, and when your baby is really really wanted the negative comments are really NOT welcome or even taken into account. So anyway, I don't sleep. I can't easily roll over. It's a huge production. My savior pillow is helping a lot, but I have experimented with adding a second between my legs just to ease the pain on my hips.

I'm always making a mad dash to the bathroom, and then hardly going. Thank you, microscopic bladder. And I feel so damn hungry, but my eyes and definitely tummy want more than I actually can ingest. Unless its Rice Krispy bars I keep making. I can eat those non-stop. Oops!

I've been lightheaded a lot and have had many occasions where I have to stop and grab onto something and stay still for fear of falling over. A lot like my normal Meniere's Disease days, but this time more lightheaded that vertigo. Almost to the point that I'm woozy and weak, feeling like I could collapse to the ground.

The bonus of this week was that I only had to work 3 days, and since I have been physically struggling more and feeling very tired, that was a good thing. My brain doesn't work. I can't even remember the other things I had to say for this post.

I did write a lot in this post that you may have missed since it was shared during all the holiday eating madness! It is my look back at 2015 and all the emotion it brought.

On Christmas evening as I was staring at my bare belly watching it move my mom looked at me and said she thinks I'm probably one of those women that love being pregnant and would have tons of kids if I could. She's probably not that far off. I don't want tons of kids...really I only want my girl, or the twins I was about to have. But I do love being pregnant. I ignore the physical pain of trying to sleep and laugh at all the bathroom trips, even though I whine about it on occasion... but it IS fun! People talk about it like it's so miserable and always tell me "just wait..." Well I've been hearing "just wait" since I went public and I'm still waiting. All of those horrible 9 months that people talk about seem to be eluding me. This is a good thing! It's all going to be so worth it. I cannot wait to hold this little kicker of mine. Only 8 weeks to go .... IF she waits that long! Next week Man Friend, her "Glamma" and I finally get to see her again and I can't wait!

And speaking of that, the betting pool is still open!
When Will She Arrive? How Long Will It Take?
Arrival DateHours of Labor
Feb 13Becky2:18Vern
Feb 14Nicole, Sara3:12Bob
Feb 15Vinnie3:30Jennifer
Feb 16Glamma4Peggy
Feb 17Molly 4.5Amber Dawn
Feb 18Jennifer6Mary, Becky
Feb 19Janelle, Hope 6:30Julie
Feb 20Julie7Stephanie, Jenn
Feb 21Blake, Deb, Bob7:15Glamma
Feb 22Mary, Sarah 7:20Cathy
Feb 23Kelli7:45Hope
Feb 24Jenn, Julie8Blake, Gwen, Molly, Sara
Feb 259Deb, Stephany
Feb 26Stephany, Amber Dawn10:30Janelle
Feb 27Cynde12Nicole, Vinnie, Jessica
Feb 28Jessica12:30Julie
Feb 29Vern, Cathy, Amy16Kelli
Amber Dawn17Cynde
18Sarah, Amy
29 Weeks
OBGYN - TDAP30 Weeks
31 Weeks
32 Weeks

Thursday, December 24, 2015

2015 .... The Roller Coaster Year

With great sorrow also comes wonderfully happy things. That's one thing I've definitely learned this year. 2015 has quite possibly been the most up and down year of my entire life. I've had the worst heart ache ever, balanced with the greatest joy I have known.... so far. I know 2016 is going to be fantastic and full of new experiences! But first, I thought I'd sit here, while my still-cooking bundle of joy exercises off her Christmas cookies inside of me, and pause to look back and remember this wild ride!

To say Tewfer (aka Man Friend) and I have a boring life would be so very wrong. If you missed any of the old stories, basically when we first met in 2006 I initially thought, "oh here's a new person, he has a big smile!" And then he opened his mouth.... and for years I went out of my way to avoid him. I would be happy when I heard he was again being deployed overseas because that meant I wouldn't have to deal with him. And then he sent me a Facebook friend request which I skeptically accepted. Maybe a year down the road we started talking to each other online, which quickly led to in person. By April 2012 we had decided to go to the coast together. On that first "date" (the judge is still ruling on if it was a date.... it totally was) I knew I was going to marry him. True story! I asked him on a second date only minutes after he dropped me off. We were together a lot before that 2nd date happened in May. On Labor Day weekend we were in engaged in Las Vegas! Not even a month later, after buying my wedding dress, we had our first unexpected event happen when my aunt committed suicide. And then we are pretty sure she haunted my house while I was away and he was left alone. Go Nancy! That next April we were off to Las Vegas getting married! Let's have a photo.....

That huge back story does lead us to this photo and this year. So much has changed since this photo was taken! Prior to this year, we lost 2 family members. Man Friend's mom (green dress, 3rd from the right) lost her fight with Leukemia last year. Also from MF's side, his uncle Bob passed away (6 from the right, back row, very tall). But we also have had exciting things from this group ... like Brian and Jessica who got married last year (I think they are blocked by some jazz hands in this photo). My uncle, second from the left, became a Grandpa this year!!! I have yet to meet her, but she has the cutest cheeks ever and I am very excited for my girl and her to meet and become new cousin friends! Now we come back to 2015!

At this time last year I had no idea what was in store for me. I thought that I'd continue racing, hitting my 36 half marathons while still 36 years old (I am paused at 30 now, FYI). I had hoped that we'd finally have success at creating a baby. And really that's as far as I got. 

As one very fancy pants doctor suggested, I started off the year by being brave and called OHSU. I was seeking a consult to verify if I am able to carry a child and what options do I have. I was so antsy to get the ball rolling after years of trying and failing. On February 6 my life was switched upside down! We met with our new doctor hoping to hear that we had various choices to make, but perhaps it was easier by learning we had ONE way to make a baby. Prior to this meeting we had so many conversations about the future, and even spent an entire night looking into adoption. Hearing that we were good candidates for In Vitro Fertilization with ICSI made it an easy choice. I didn't even hesitate or question it. And thus my new normal was started!

Dual lives. One we had at home in private for the two of us, and the one the rest of the world saw. Living a secret so huge was so hard, but we had a good support team and a couple close friends I talked to which really helped. Life was about to be pretty crazy and exciting .... until ....

Step-dad, Grandpa, Mom, Me, Man Friend, Mother in Law, Father in Law, Dad
This small family of ours took another hit. Not even a year after losing Man Friend's mom, my Grandpa had an accident. Two emotional, tough weeks later, with my hand on his shoulder in a quiet, dimly lit room, we had to watch my Grandpa leave us. I can't even write about it again. Click the link for my blog on all of that. Only days before I was alone with him in his hospital room and about to tell him that I was trying to make him another great-grandchild when a nurse came in and I had to pause. I never did get to tell him.... although his newest little girl has already visited him and Grandma a few times where they are now. Ugh, can I go cry again??

As hard as that was to get through, we were still trying to continue with our new life of multiple daily injections into my stomach and an insane number of trips of I-5 to OHSU for countless ultrasounds and blood draws. Finally in June I had the happiest of tears in the car with my mom when I learned we had success and I was "very pregnant"!! It was one of those experiences where you really want to tell someone, i.e. Grandpa, and you can't. The excitement of that phone call would soon be overshadowed by even happier news .... not only was I pregnant, but I had TWO babies growing inside of me!! TWO!!

Looking at this, the eye on the left is the girl that is currently kicking me non-stop!
What a crazy change of life this was going to be. I couldn't stop crying -- more happy tears. I had hoped for one, and instead life gave me two babies to spoil!! Ugh, and I can't talk about this anymore. Clearly life ultimately had a different plan, and at the 10 weeks pregnant mark I lost my little girl's twin. For only knowing that baby for a short while, I was very attached and it is still hard and sad whenever I think about it. Every time I get into my underwear/bra drawer I am reminded, as I see his/her engraved silver spoon from OHSU. 

Not only was I already poofy from carrying twins for that time, I was now dealing with learning I lost one and trying to keep a normal face to everyone. I was so relieved when we were well into the second trimester and able to share our exciting news of a baby! What a party that was, thanks to all who came!! Fortunately the good has been dominating the rest of the year!! We were able to go to Disneyland for a babymoon, and then finally learn the news we all wanted to know ... Boy or GIRL???

Life has now been full of first flutters of baby movement, seeing my tummy move for the first time, non-stop bathroom trips, decorating a nursery, getting ready for Lamaze class, packing my hospital bag, picking out a pediatrician (yes, Mom, we did do that!), and just trying to keep me comfortable!

The year had other things happen .... Man Friend took on a new position at our work (uh, yeah, we do work at the same place) that has actually been a plus with his crazy schedule and will save us tons of day care money! We went to Osoyoos, Canada for donuts and I was able to see my first rattle snake! I got a new car ... for carrying around said baby and her stroller.
Most patient bff EVER!

My mom and I had many fun trips to various Broadway shows - OMG isn't Wicked the greatest??? My Meniere's Disease actually calmed down believe it or not (I thank pregnancy for that). And I did get to do a couple races, including one while pregnant! I've also seen such generosity and good in people through this crazy year, even though so much negativity has happened in this world and even locally. So thank you all for reading my blog and supporting us through all of this! Due to this dual life we led, I was pretty quiet on social media for a long time - because how do you not let that slip out?? Fortunately for me Man Friend and my patient BFF both put up with me and never complained once. It wasn't always pretty .... read this post for the inside scoop on deliberate menopause at age 36 and the "Lupon Rage" that accompanied it! So thanks to my Tewfer and Blake. You guys deserve trophies or something! .... and I expect both of you to be just as helpful once our girl is officially here! You got that??!!

That was long and babbling, but that sort of fits the nature of my 2015! I'm incredibly excited about this year ending, since I know that means we are so close to having a little girl come take over our lives! She's already my everything! I found one last picture to sum up the year. This year, for me, will be remembered by two things. Grandpa and my baby. So here we are, Grandpa and one of his favorite babies .... me! :)

Monday, December 21, 2015

31 Weeks: Anxiety, Lamaze and I'm So Uncomfortable

Hi! I'm finally getting around to writing about week 31. It was pretty uneventful, with zero medical appointments and no huge milestones. It was more of a mental week for me ... where I realized I have become very protective of myself and my tummy. I HATE crossing Douglas Avenue every morning when I have to go on a short walk for work. Sure there are stop signs for cars and there are pedestrian crosswalks. That means NOTHING. I know that I have to go way before 8:45 am or after 9am. Why? The school bus drivers are some of the worst offenders of ignoring the rules of the road. And really most cars are just always in such a hurry. I've had to actually run multiple times because drivers are making eye contact with me and still aiming for me. I'm not even exaggerating. One time I even had a couple of people watch and their jaws dropped. Had I not run I would have been run over.  March 3rd. I remember that day so clearly. My Grandpa died that day, and I kept thinking how I am so happy I wasn't hit and a patient in the hospital myself and unable to be with him. Well take all that anxiety and then put me in charge of a little girl growing inside of me. Ugh, I cannot handle the walk. I not linger and wait until not a car is in site before I cross. I hate being in vehicles. I hate walking around moving or stationary vehicles. I worry so much, not about myself, but about anything happening that would hurt my baby. I noticed the "don't mess with my baby's safety" feelings really increase over this last week. 

In non-anxiety news, my little girl got a present from what I will call her cousins. I'm feeling too lazy to figure out how my cousin and her daughter are labeled when it comes to being connected to my girl. So for simplicity ... her fellow little cousin gave her some of her most adorable clothes that don't fit anymore. I was so tickled and surprised when I opened the front door and found a box waiting for me. Opening it was way too much fun! Cute little dresses, and even a onesie with a matching cape! So dang thoughtful and I cannot wait to see my girl in these little outfits! A big thank you, from these two cousins! :)

And finally Lamaze class is on the calendar and I have been able to see who I will be in class with. I don't know any of the other moms or even recognize names ... but imagine how old I felt when I saw that one of the moms and I have mutual friends .... of Man Friend's children. Yep! We are the old people in class with people the age of my step kids. Good grief! I'm excited to get the ball rolling on classes, especially since it feels like she is itching to come out! Which reminds me, the betting has begun with people guessing on the day she'll be born (due date of February 20th) and how long labor will last. Got a guess? Feel free to cast your vote and I'll add you to the spreadsheet!

Lastly, while I freaking LOVE being pregnant and am going to miss it, I am so uncomfortable now. I spend most of my day going to the bathroom or trying to get up out of a chair or bed so that I can go to the bathroom. And the damn heartburn. Still.

29 Weeks
OBGYN - TDAP30 Weeks
31 Weeks
32 Weeks