To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.
-Steve Prefontaine
Make it simple, but significant.
- Don Draper

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Graduation: Heartbreak and Hand Buds

July 7, 2015  I don't even want to write today's post. It is filled with many mixed emotions. At 7 weeks, 3 days pregnant I had my final appointment at OHSU. I was scheduled to be with Dr. Lee, the doctor that transferred the embryos to my uterus. When I arrived at OHSU they were running behind so I was prepared to wait. I was pleasantly surprised when one of my favorite nurses popped her head out and asked if I was ready. Well of course I was! We happily went on back and learned that I was actually getting the pleasure of having Dr. Wu, MY doctor, do my last ultrasound. What a fitting way to end my time at OHSU!

We had a lot of chatter talking excitedly about pregnancy symptoms and the surprise of having twins. But soon enough I was sliding down and getting in my standard position. Right away I spotted one of my babies looking noticeably bigger. You can see that baby with a very strong heart beat on the picture to the upper left. This one came in at 142 bmp this week, up from 116 last week. This baby is over half of an inch long now from crown to rump, which explains my non-stop bloated feeling.

But all wasn't as happy and exciting. My other little baby, the runt, hasn't grown. It's size is still what it was last week and the heartbeat has actually slowed down to 89 bmp from 106 last week. While feeling so excited to see my babies, there was the cloud hanging over us. Dr. Wu explained that she is concerned the smaller embryo might not end up being a viable pregnancy. It's not progressing the way they want. This was not news I was expecting to hear. All hope is not lost and I will continue to be my optimistic self and wish for the best. I am not allowed to do any exercise, and am instructed to take it easy and eat healthy. Sitting there in shock, Man Friend took over asking all of the questions for me. Dr. Wu said I may have spotting if it doesn't take, but it won't be anything like a miscarriage or passing anything. It would just shrink and the other baby will push it aside and it would just naturally flush out during childbirth. She also warned me that the severe morning sickness will still continue for a while. I always have to think positively, and right now that's all I can do. What is meant to be will be. Maybe this one wasn't supposed to make it so that the other could go on to be strong and healthy. Maybe a miracle will occur and I will get to birth both of my little babies! I was mentally prepared and excited for my twins, so I won't give up hope yet.

There was still plenty of joy in the room. We all seemed determine to remember this IS a very exciting time! We went to OHSU trying to only have one baby, and I have a very strong, healthy baby growing inside of me. We were able to hear the heartbeat again, as well as see it fluttering. BUT new to this visit was anatomy!!! Yeah, I turned into one of those people that said, "Oh how cute!" while looking at an ultrasound of something that looks like a little sea creature. We were able to see the head, heart AND little hand nubs starting on each side! I made the diagram below to help dissect what looks like a peanut.

The red heart is pointing at ... the heart.

The light purple lines are pointing at white little buds .... those are the starts of hands.
The yellow circle is the yolk sac.
The orange line is next to the babies head.
And all that black circle around everything is the gestational sac, I suspect causing my mega bloat and visibly pregnant tummy.
For reference, the baby is just over half of an inch long right now.

I was sad to say good bye to Dr. Wu. She gave me a big hug and insisted we send her pictures after we have a baby or two! Also we discussed my next steps and getting to my new OBGYN as quickly as I can (which is just next week). I was also sent away with a graduation gift, a way for them to congratulate us on our new arrival(s). Man Friend and I were left alone so I could put my undies back on, and that's when the tears started. He hugged me and made me laugh, trying to lighten the mood.  Obviously we were both very disappointed with the ultimate news of the smaller baby, but I told him I will just stay optimistic. I left the room with my graduation gift and 5 photos of the babies, waving good bye to everyone on my way out. It felt surreal. This place has become my home away from home. I am very comfortable there and know my way around and everyone's names. I really will miss them!

In the car I finally could just cry. I feel guilty crying when I still have so much to be excited about. Slowly I know it will all sink in. Everything happens for a reason, and I still feel incredibly lucky and thankful. Opening my graduation gift did trigger the tears, I must admit. In it were 2 cards with return postage, one for each baby, so we could send back names, gender, weight, etc of our babies once they are here. There is an awesome book as well that I looked at last week and thought it was too spendy for me to buy. So now it's mine! It's great. It has everything broken down into weeks and what changes my body and the babies' bodies will be going through. The pictures are incredible and it covers so much information about everything. New moms, I'd recommend it! And then the other thing that is so precious and potentially really sad.... each baby got its own silver spoon with a congratulations message engraved on it. Maybe I will get to use both of them, we don't know!

So now I expect this to be my longest week as I wait for my next doctor visit. But as it stands, I AM still the mom of twins and I am going to take as good of care of them as I can!  February 20, 2016 ... here we come!

JULY 2015
6 week ultrasound
Estrace: M EEstrace: M EEstrace: M EEstrace: M E
7 week ultrasound8 weeks pregnant
Estrace: M EEstrace: M EEstrace: M EEstrace: M EEstrace: M EEstrace: M EEstrace: M E
1St OBGYN visit9 weeks pregnant
Estrace: M EEstrace: M EEstrace: M EEstrace: M EEstrace: M EEstrace: M EEstrace: M E
10 weeks pregnant
Estrace: M EEstrace: M EEstrace: M EEstrace: M EEstrace: M EEstrace: M EEstrace: M E
Estrace: M EEstrace: M EEstrace: M EEstrace: M EEstrace: M EEstrace: M E

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